you are the hole in my head
by great gospel
Summary: After all, the more things change, the more they stay the same. — shinkane drabbles
1. wonder

**Word Count** : 687

 **Characters/Pairings** : Tsunemori Akane, Kogami Shinya, sprinkles of the rest of Division 1 and others; Shinkane!

 **Timeline/Spoilers** : set during the movie; no real spoilers – just me trying to explain why their reunion felt so cold and impersonal, references the psycho pass after story post-season 1 where Ko gives her a call

 **Summary** : Maybe he put her up on too high of a pedestal, and maybe she saw more good in him than there really was. ; shinkane drabbles

 **Notes** : I have a 1sentence fic (it's called _my 9 to 5 is cutting open old scars_ ) for this pair based on 50 different prompts, and I had ideas to continue some of those one-liners. So I was debating whether to just add chapters to that fic or create a standalone. In the end, I decided to just start a collection of shinkane drabbles; they will mostly be based on my one-sentence pieces, which I will have at the end of each chapter, but I may have some new ideas as I continue on with this. No promises about updating regularly, though I do have a few chapters planned/written already that I will space out and publish. My previous psycho pass fic was one of my most well-received pieces, and I'm grateful for all the nice things you guys had to say! This is also a space for me to practice writing (semi-)longer pieces. Hopefully, this collection won't disappoint.

P.S. Title comes from _No Light, No Light_ by Florence + the Machine!

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Though she once spoke optimistically of their eventual reunion, Akane's once bright-eyed outlook had dimmed considerably over time. (Four years of no contact and nothing but hallucinated glimpses driving one on could do that to a person.)

Their first meeting after so long felt detached and impersonal. Kogami donned a familiar mask, not allowing himself the chance to yield to her warmth again, knowing that this brief interlude would be just that.

A similar strain of thought had been flitting through her mind. She had prepared herself for a hardened criminal, a terrorist, but was somehow unsurprised to find him largely the same as she left him. (Perhaps that hopefulness of hers hadn't been completely snuffed out.) She throws hard words (and even harder punches), but in the end, he's still the Kogami-san she knew – perhaps a little more world weary and at loss with himself, but undoubtedly the same.

Of course, she can discern straight away that he's keeping himself at a distance, if only for her sake. And they're both holding back, really, not wanting to taint the other with their sins. But it hurts that their long-awaited encounter should transpire under such circumstances. They were not ordinary people, and she was starting to doubt if they ever would be (ever could be). A touch of doubt that began to shroud all aspects of their relationship. He said it himself, that he had worked under her for a "short time only," and the time elapsed since then far outspanned their mere months together. Had he really called her Akane that final time? Had there ever been a special warmth inside this man reserved just for her? Were her hallucinations just that – her own selfish projections of who _she_ wanted Kogami Shinya to be? Did she ever even know him well enough to judge?

But then there were minute, blink-and-you'll-miss-them moments that gave her glimpses of the man she so desperately sought. Engaged in full body combat with the clear intent to suppress him and take him into custody, he did not hesitate in tossing her body to the floor and immediately shielding it with his own once he sensed an oncoming explosion. In the car, he gruffly handed her his own jacket, eyes somehow saddened at the lack of sputtering, embarrassed protests he had come to associate with her. And even in his home base, he offered, or rather _ordered_ her to take his bed, setting up his row of chairs without even waiting for a reply. (It somehow amused her that after all he'd been through and seen, he could still play the part of the gentleman.)

Conversation between them flowed readily, without the impediments of societal and workplace hierarchy – on equal footing for the first time, if you could call it that.

Some of his last few words to her are, "Come try to catch me again," with far too cocky a grin stretched across his features, considering their life-and-death situation. She meets his gaze with unshed tears in her eyes, whispering out an unconvincing, "Sure." Last they spoke, _he'd_ been resigned to his fate, warning her to not be shocked if she happened upon his lifeless body one day, and _she_ had been the one with the conviction that they would certainly find one another again.

At their true final meeting, there is little need for words; they had long since mastered the art of silent communications. An understanding passes between them, as they rise to meet eye to eye on that helicopter pad. It is the acknowledgement that they weren't ready, not just yet. He still had to figure out his own path and what he intended to do, while she was busy crafting a world that could one day welcome him back. Only then could they meet once more, as ordinary people.

…And maybe they were both wrong. Maybe he put her up on too high of a pedestal, and maybe she saw more good in him than there really was. Both were only human after all, subject to their personal whims and delusions alike. And humanity was inherently flawed.

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 **#04 – Wonder**

Sometimes, she wonders if the man built up in her mind over the years might still contain any trace of the original.

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 **A/N** : Not terribly thrilled with how this turned out (particularly the ending), but that's what practice is for. Please leave a review and share your thoughts!


	2. soliloquy

**Word Count** : 272

 **Timeline/Spoilers** : set during final episode (right after Akane gets on the back of Makishima's truck) and the movie; mild spoilers if you haven't yet seen those

 **Summary** : "Don't call me 'Inspector,'" she says. ("Call me 'Akane,'" she means.) ; shinkane drabbles

 **Notes** : Gonna be on a movie-based fic kick for a while. Special thanks to sandypenguin6 for her lovely review and to all those that favourited/followed.

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Her name (her given name) comes rippling out of his throat, almost burning as it makes its exit. He doesn't even know where it came from. In the office and in the field, she was deliberately kept at a distance with his selective usage of "Inspector," or sometimes "Tsunemori". It's always been far simpler to regard her as a title, rather than a person. Names complicate thing. Even in his thoughts, he wouldn't allow the usage of her first name. Perhaps only in his dreams could his lips taste the forbidden fruits of _a-ka-ne._

But in that moment, his mind had gone a frenzy, truly in fear for her life, and the pretenses dropped. He doubts she even heard him, over the rush of the vehicle and the blood doubtless pounding in her ears.

It comes as no surprise that his defense mechanism resurfaces when they meet again. More than that, he doesn't deserve to regard her so familiarly. He, who burned every bridge he ever built, will not sully the sanctity of her given name. Nor will he allow himself to breach that precariously placed wall between them. To refer to her as anything other than "Inspector" would allow him to surpass that last mental barrier. (And once his mind was freed, his body would be much harder to control.) They weren't colleagues; they weren't friends. They weren't even inhabitants of the same country anymore. It would suggest something more between them – something that couldn't happen now, perhaps never.

She masks her disappointment until it comes bubbling up as indignation. "Don't call me 'Inspector,'" she says. ("Call me 'Akane,'" she means.)

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 **#37 – Soliloquy**

He calls her 'Inspector' when they meet again (she does not forget that it was 'Akane' when they parted).

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 **A/N** : In other news, I wrote that 1sentence fic before the movie, and I was totally right about half of those things, this being one of them.

Also, I definitely paraphrased Akane's line from the movie because I don't remember it exactly haha…

Thanks for reading! Please don't favourite without reviewing!


	3. like gravity

**Word Count** : 381

 **Timeline/Spoilers** : set during movie; mild spoilers

 **Summary** : If anything, it's gravity that bows to Tsunemori Akane. ; shinkane drabbles

 **Notes** : This one was inspired by several different themes. (See at the end.)

I actually really liked this one, and I hope you do, too! Props to sandypenguin6 and randomcat23 for being awesome reviewers!

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Though they stand on opposite sides of the battlefield, guns loaded and aimed at one another, she is not, and will never be, his enemy. (He knows that he could never point a weapon at her with the true intent to harm.) Hours later, they're back-to-back, and that gun of hers is pointed at those who would try to shoot him down. For a moment, it's as if it's just the two of them against the world, and he relishes in it.

But it's far from being that simple. She disagrees with his methods and isn't afraid to voice it. She sees remnants of another, one far viler, within him, and she doesn't hide it. (Although, she is clear to note the distinction.) She knows him better than he knows himself, and something about that unnerves him.

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When he asks her to come find it again, he means it with every fiber of his being, down into his bones. She said it was like gravity, what drew others to him, and that very force was what always brought him back into her orbit. Does she not see that it was _she_ whowas like the sun and the moon and the stars – that she was the centre of her little universe in Division 1 these days? Her comrades were captivated with her, would do anything for her; even Shimotsuki Mika, disdain towards her senior inspector unconcealed, could not help but be fascinated by her allure. The previous iteration of Division 1 (the dead and the gone) as well, was inexplicably drawn to her (a fumbling rookie who would rapidly come into her own); him, most of all. If anything, it's gravity that bows to Tsunemori Akane.

Yet each time he drifts into her domain, another force drags him even further away. He'd chalk it up to entropy, but he's no man of science. Neither is he a man of faith. Whether it's the cosmos or the gods pulling the strings, he finds he doesn't much care. As long as they always lead him back to her.

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Though there are many things he regrets in this life, the burning hope for the day that they shall meet once more is one thing he can never bring himself to take back.

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 **#09 – War**

At the end of the day they both desire the same outcome – change for the better (even if he fights for it under the guise of terrorism and she works from within the system); they recall the days (far too few of them) when they once fought on the same side.

 **#18 – Balloon**

He's drawn into her orbit, whether it be by chance or by fate (he's not sure which he believes in anymore), but he can't help but feel like an insignificant, little balloon drifting towards the blazing, brilliant Sun, just waiting to burst.

 **#28 – Jousting**

And when they meet again, it's in a blaze of guns and terrorists, interspersed with far too few moments of tenderness that they know will not last (because they are not ordinary people, not yet), and so they part ways once more, never looking back, and never regretting.

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 **A/N** : If you guys are enjoying this little drabble collection, I hope you check out my other fic _my 9 to 5 is cutting open old scars_ , which is what these pieces were based off of!

Please review and let me know what you thought. :)


	4. two fools

**Word Count** : 256

 **Timeline/Spoilers** : set during movie and hypothetical after; mild spoilers, also references the after-story that takes place post-s1

 **Summary** : He's slipped through her fingers yet again. ; shinkane drabbles

 **Notes** : First one not corresponding with a one-sentence fic. I swear I meant to practice writing longer pieces, but these things just keep getting shorter as I go.

Differing thoughts during what they assume is their last meeting – after Ko goes "come try to catch me again" and Akane sits in the car looking like a kicked puppy. I promise I'll quit milking this movie for scenes eventually. I'm actually out of pre-written pieces, and I'd be open to suggestions if you guys have any writing prompts. :)

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Her eyes are trained on him like it's the last she'll ever see of him. In all likelihood, it is, personal desires and brazen proclamations notwithstanding. She couldn't make herself turn away, even if she wanted to. Instead, she drinks in the man who's saved her too many times to count, digits tightly clutching the green jacket she knows he knows she kept.

He's slipped through her fingers yet again.

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He can't tear his gaze away from her either. He's grown feeble over their separation. All he's had of her are the crude echoes in his mind that could never do justice to the real thing. And how could they? She's perfection as close as he's ever known it. So forgive him if he's basking in this final farewell.

A sigh escapes him, knowing that he only encouraged her foolish optimism with his last words, when he should have been preparing her for the real world. She's not a child, he knows. Even with her petite stature and decidedly cute appearance, her eyes tell him that she's seen too much, and there's a heaviness about her that wasn't there before. Still, he can't help but try to shield her from the world's cruelties, just as he did before.

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In the end, they're both fools.

He was right the first time, when he told her she'd probably come across upon his dead body one of these days. He'd warned her not to be surprised when it happened, but somehow it still comes as a shock.

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 **A/N** : Not what you were expecting? *nervous laughter*


	5. nuance

**Word Count** : 331

 **Timeline/Spoilers** : set during the movie when they first meet, some quotes taken from that scene as well as from s1; spoilers up until that point

 **Summary** : After all, the more things change, the more they stay the same. ; shinkane drabbles

 **Notes** : Oh look, another movie piece.

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You can't help yourself; there's already a smirk pulling at your lips. She's got a gun aimed to your head at point blank range, and here you are smiling away like a fool. You can't decide if your haphazard lifestyle has finally forced your mind over the deep end, or if you really are that happy to see her, so you settle on it being a bit of both.

" _I can't say I expected you to chase me all the way out here."_

(you shouldn't have come. but i'm glad you did anyway.)

She thinks you're toying with her, treating her like that same, fumbling rookie from day one on the job. Four years later, and you're still as dense and infuriating as ever, she thinks. It flusters her, frustrates her, but on the outside she is ever the calm, cool professional.

" _The next time we meet, you'll be in a position to judge me."_

(be the person i never could.)

She was in the right, you knew it deep in your bones, but killing Makishima was just something that had to be done. You told her to stay true to her ideals but still insisted on carrying on in the opposite manner. You told her not to follow but left her a trail of breadcrumbs anyway.

" _When the time comes, fulfill your duty with no mercy."_

(don't let my leaving alter your beliefs.)

She _is_ different, you think. She's stronger. So much more than you ever were. When faced with the law and your own convictions, you turned tail and fled to carry out your own agenda. But her, this small slip of a woman, bore the weight of worlds on her back and refused to balk under the strain. If anything, she's become more solid, more engrained in her scruples. It's all you could have ever hoped for. After all, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

" _Kougami Shinya, you're under arrest."_

Your grin twitches wider.

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 **#43 – Nuance**

He noticed everything – the sunken bags under her eyes, the way she carried herself more confidently, the sense of weariness emanating from her tiny figure (small shoulders that had been forced to carry far too much weight); in that split second he spent simply drinking her in, he blinked, and she suddenly had a gun held up to his head; perhaps things hadn't changed as much as he'd thought.

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 **A/N** : I know, I know, I don't update for months and this is the garbage I throw at you? My apologies.


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